Esta rumia es para chuparse los dedos

I don't know why the first thing it occurred to me to do today was rant against grammatical errors. Maybe I had a dream this morning about the death of proper English or something. If that's the case, it reaffirms the fact that my dreams really suck.

Anyway, so I have all these sort of half-assed plans for almost every weekend for the next month, but I'm just not feeling it. I was thinking recently that when you do things on the weekend but nothing special during the week, you look back at a month and see it as a mere handful of days. That's not good! Why should only 10 days a month be worthwhile? Again, my fear of wasting time makes me think irrationally. It makes me want to do things like quit my job, move to a city and work in a cafe while drawing comics and doing Capoeira with every spare minute I have. It doesn't strike me as a bad idea until I consider the fact that I've gotten used to be able to do whatever the hell I want (when I'm not rotting in the office) because I have that "money" stuff.

Maybe I can wrap up all my dilemmas into one roll, sort of like sushi, only frustrating instead of delicious. I'm thinking most jobs that will afford me the opportunity to do the things I want that cost money (travel around, go to shows, buy CDs, eat Thai and Viet food every other night) will also prevent me from doing the other things I want (drawing, Capoeira, having an actual life). I'm proving right now that I can't do both. At the same time, I'm also wondering if no matter what I choose, I'll get tired of it after a few months, or fall into a routine and then flip out and do something destructive just to upset the balance. That's the point I'm at right now ... like I said, when the weeks start to bleed together and then evaporate without a trace, I start to panic and equate doing something drastically different with making the right choice.

Shit, I have to start a different roll. I hate wasting time, but I do it all day in lieu of doing what they actually pay me for here, which is mostly unnecessary work. This is because not only do I not give a rat's ass about the work, but trying to do it usually puts me to sleep. It is seriously mind-numbing, and I fall asleep pretty easily, so that's not a good combination. Neither is the fact that I spend 6-8 hours a week driving back and forth from Nashville, usually fighting for consciousness the whole way. Speaking of which, I had some pretty close calls at around 2 this morning. Gah.

I'm hungry now; I'm going to sit here and wait for it to be lunchtime so I can go home and eat some tuna. Thanks for dropping by.