The fate of my face

I wouldn't call this thing on my face a "beard," per se; maybe a "pseudo-beard," mostly because I like the prefix "pseudo-." What would you call it?



If that looks weird, it's either because it's one picture superimposed over another, or because I'm just weird looking. Anyway, I'm trying to decide where to go from here. The way I see it, I have any number of options. First:



The Abe Lincoln, or Chin Strap. I had this once in college. Everytime I wore a stovepipe hat or freed some slaves, or got shot in the head, people told me I looked just like Abe Lincoln. Next:



The standard goatee, or the "Unoriginal," as I call it. It's helpful to shave your head down to the skin, get some tribal tattoos and gain about 200 pounds to go along with this one. Or:



OH FUCK YES. I will call this option the "James Hetfield," and go buy a NASCAR hat to go with it. La proxima:



Meh, it's just a moustache. And it's not even bushy enough to make me look like a pornstar. My dream .. shattered!! Or, a variation:



I'll call this The Mexican, since no Mexicans I am aware of will see this. Looks very ethnic, doesn't it? Maybe I should call it the Chinese Guy instead. Or, you know, maybe I should just break out the clippers and get this crap off of me.



Oh, dear God! It's a no-win situation!